AUSTIN: OK HERE www.overheardinnewyork.com TAKE IT ALL
ME: WHAT ::SHOOTS HIM::
Girlfriend: Ewww, he peed on me!
Boyfriend: And you're wearing sandals!
Drunk #1 in video booth: There's so many movies to choose from!
Drunk #2: I think I'm in a gay booth.
Drunk #1: This one's from the point of view of a dick!
Disembodied voice: Isn't everything?
--Peep Show, 8th Ave
Lady suit: Man, I love cheese. You know what I wish I had? A pillow made of cheese. That way I can eat cheese when I'm awake and when I sleep. I can, like, chew on my pillow and I'll truly be eating cheese 24/7. Wouldn't that be amazing?
Male suit: Mmm, yes.
--Washington Square Park
Drunk hipster #1: Hey, are you okay?
Drunk hipster #2, looking at girl in Houndstooth pattern coat: Yeah, I just didn't realize how drunk I was until I started staring at that girl's coat, and now I think I'm gonna throw up.
--Matchless Bar, Greenpoint
Waiter: Would you care for a glass of wine or a cocktail?
Old lady: No, thanks, we're heavy drug users.
--Caffe Grazie, 84th & Madison
Tourist man: Pardon me, officer, can you tell us where Orchard Street is?
Cop: See that naked Chinese guy?
Tourist man: Ummm...Yeah.
Cop: Walk down to him and make a left.
Tourist man: Um, thanks.
Cop: No problem.
--Delancey & Allen
Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.
--13th & 3rd
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
Girl: Ok, let's name some idioms.
Guy: I don't know what you're talking about, but you go first.
Girl: Ok. 'Hit the hay.'
Guy: 'Suck the dick.'
--114th St & Broadway
Hobo: Attention, attention! I'm playing this saxophone to raise money for my spaceship!
Plays a horrible rendition of "Pop Goes the Weasel."
Hobo: I'm going into space, and I'm taking George Bush with me!
Fellow passengers cheer.
Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: "Bam" doesn't blow up, "bam" makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can't defeat that!
Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.
--N train going uptown